Eating Actual Food: Take Fifteen

As of roughly 1pm today, I'm back on the "eating better" wagon. (I'm writing it publicly so it might become true.) Girl cannot live on Swedish Fish alone.

Plus, if I can get off all my toxic meds, maybe I'll only get "cancer of the torso" instead of "cancer of the everything." A girl can dream!

Plus, the more kale I eat, the more I weaken Terrence's life force. It's true.

If you believe in fairies, clap your hands! (It distracts Terrence from his Xbox.)

Really, I think we can agree this is a win-win-win situation.

So far, "3/4 of a day" down! Only "a lifetime" to go.

.....

Ugh, fuck. Where's a "depression cake" when you need it.

Identifying with Your Captor: Stockholm Syndrome and You

Dudes, this week I have felt wretched. Which means that I've been at the mercy of some intense, pathological sugar cravings.

A craving will descend, and I will go glassy eyed. I'll be spotted by security cameras in the candy aisle at a CVS, then will wake up three hours later in South Jersey with my bra in my back pocket and a passport belonging to someone named Mychylle. And where did all this blood come from? Oh my god, there's so much blood.

Have you ever had Mike and Ikes? They're terrible!

Source: reason.com

Like poison frogs in the rainforest, these bright colors send the signal, "Eat me, and I will fuck your shit up." But, when sick, my stupid bird-brain wants nothing but Amazonian frogs. I ate an entire package of these things at work yesterday, pausing between bites to go, "Ugh, these are awful."

Come on, Bird Brain, you and "intestines" need to have a talk. Whose team are you on?

On the plus side, I've got a pretty good working knowledge of New Jersey Transit these days.

Elimination Diet

Okay, so in my first post, when I said "It's all healthy choices from here on out!" I meant... tomorrow. Ish. You can pry my food addictions from my cold, dead hands.


Since about July, I've been trying (-failing-trying-failing) to do an Elimination Diet. The gist of it is, you don't eat anything delicious allergenic for awhile to give your body time to heal. Then you add things back in, little by little, to test your reactions. How logical! How scientific!

The diet, as proposed by my ND, was: No eggs, dairy, beef, soy, gluten, sugar, caffeine, nightshades, peanuts, shellfish, earth, fire, wind, water, heart.

Go, Planet!

...I'm sorry. I got distracted.

It only makes sense that food will have an affect on my body, and this seems like the clearest way to tell. So why is it so hellish?

Besides the soul-crushingly obvious, there is an extra residue of "awful." If you google "Elimination diet," you will find a variety of conflicting information. 

"Eat yogurt!!"

"Don't eat yogurt, you slovenly bitch!"

"All of the yogurt is tainted with Scientology!"

...Etc.

The flood of food neurosis, plus my own pre-existing neurosis, makes me want to give up and dive into a pile of pudding. (Mmm, tapioca.)

So far, two weeks is the longest I have gone on this diet. When I stick to it, I feel great; when I fall, I fall hard. I keep beating my head over it, but I have yet to really pull it off.

At any rate, I'm starting this up again tomorrow. Ish. Updates forthcoming!

More information on Elimination Diets:

• Generic Overview via Web MD
• This one is the closest to what I'm on, and this blog has recipes, which is great. Ignore the glassy-eyed hippie vibe and you'll do fine. Whole Life Nutrition
• As mentioned above, Google it at your own risk. It will make you crazy.

Integrative Nutrition

My body is like the girl who was a raging bitch to me in high school, but now, through a Rom-Com conceit, she and I are forced to spend time together to learn to see eye-to-eye. And, just like in a Rom-Com, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

Here are some things we know about each other.

I love sugar. Sugar is an affront to her very fiber.


Caffeine is one of my favorite things, ever. She acts like she and caffeine are cool, but after about an hour, she turns really moody and mean and I have to apologize for her later.

Sometimes I just want a goddamn enchilada. Sometimes she just wants to make me regret ever being born.

See? We're not working out.

This is part of what makes this whole "listen to your body" thing so hard: even when I'm treating her well, my body is still mercurial, power-trippy, and sulky.

At some point, we're going to have to drop the decades-long feud and learn to get along.

And maybe, just maybe, with a little warmth and understanding, we can even form a happy family. Like this little moppet:

Oh no. Isn't she in jail again?

Ugh, I give up.

Pissed Off and Eating Kale

I'm Caitlin. I'm 25, I'm an Aquarius, and iced lattes are my drug of choice. No more iced lattes for me, though. It's all "healthy choices" from here on out, and I am profoundly bummed.

This sums up my thoughts on oatmeal.

I have had Crohn's disease for fifteen years. I've had two surgeries, been on liquid diets, been on steroids off and on for years, and have been on (and am currently on) all manner of toxic, injectable drugs.

The latter are most troubling to me. Thanks to these little buddies, I'm going to get cancer of the everything and it will be rad. Is it better to burn out or fade away?? Looks like I'm gonna burn out! Rock and roll, muthafuckas.

Conventional Medicine and I have really not been getting along lately.

A few months ago I sat down Conventional Medicine and told it that, even though I love it, I'm not in love with it. Conventional Medicine begged, pleaded, cried, then accused me of cheating on it with kale. And, well, valid point, kale and I did have a few one-night stands, but they never lasted. It's still no excuse for calling me "a conniving, two-timing hobag," or for throwing that toaster at my head.

Conventional Medicine gets mean when it drinks.

Anyway, I'm dusting myself off and trying to envision a drug-free life. (Oh, I'm also listening to "Since U Been Gone" on repeat. Do you hear me, Conventional Meds??) This blog is a chronicle of my wild stabs at "self-healing," kicking, screaming, and glowering at my plate of vegetables. Join me, won't you?

Love,
Caitlin